Author: brugudug

My life is based on a cool story, bro.

Pissed.

Once in a while, you just want to put a stop to whatever it is you’re doing in the world.

I’m not usually this ~triggered~ but I just want to say that there are better ways to deal with this without dividing my body equally to everybody that demands for it. These are the times I feel most human, like I’m in the verge of just collapsing and not be of help to anyone, to anything. I have moments when I simply want to truly get away from it all.

It’s these moments I regret knowing many things as it gives people a reason to rely on me and not do anything on their end. Not being arrogant or hateful, I just don’t like it when I have to step in because people don’t know how to do anything around.

This is the very reason I’m struggling to delegate. I don’t exactly trust what people can do sometimes and I’ve had one too many heartbreaks.

Cautious.

It’s been about 4 years. This is probably one of the last times I’d ever mention this. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about it and in the event of any untoward incident, I have proof, I have documents that can completely turn this person’s life around.

Growing up, I had this person take care of me. He was more like a nanny, a caregiver. He’d bring me to school, prepare my food and put my toys away. You’d probably think he’s the big brother I never had. We treated him like family. We let him live in our house for most of his life (til now, actually).

I don’t know when it started, really. I had night shifts and uber/grab wasn’t available then so he’d ride with me in the cab and made sure I make it work in one piece. He started acting weird and was giving me chocolates everyday. I sensed that there was something unusual until one day I just decided to ignore him. One night, on our usual trip to work, he told me what he felt. He was crying and he was guilty. I, on the other hand, was shocked beyond belief. I was scared for myself. I mean, I treated this man like my brother for 20+ years, almost my entire life and he comes ruining everything.

I was so disgusted. I was sick to my stomach. He wrote me a very long letter apologizing and everything but I didn’t respond. I kept it though, as evidence. Who wouldn’t be scared- my parents let him stay in the house as a helper and at any time, he might do things to me. I felt harassed. I felt unsafe living in the house with him. What’s worse is that he’s suicidal and has a violent tendency. I don’t know what has gotten in his head but it was not normal and he had no right to do this to my parents who treated him well all these years.

Until this very day, I’d always be as cautious as I can whenever he’s around. I barely talk to him and I don’t really care for him anymore. The only person who know this situation is my boyfriend and I told him that if anything happens to me, he knows what to do and who to look into.

I haven’t shared this with my parents because one, the person in question might wreak havoc and two, I think, ironically, we’re at peace with this animosity.

 

Subtle.

Homophobia. Such a suicide driver.

It’s a touchy subject but extremely relevant today. Many individuals struggle to be accepted and to be able to function without the prejudice of others. We can say there are many changes in terms of recognizing gender but there are still many people who can’t come to terms with it or have problems dealing it.

Homophobia can happen in little, subtle ways. For the record, I don’t know how, why, what exactly caused some people to have it. Some people I know say it’s from trauma (early experience of molestation, mostly), some just don’t have the proper education or some are just heavily influenced by the society, whether religion or community, they live in.

I’m all for gender expression and I don’t think it was ever violent nor destructive. In fact, in my eyes, I see it as an expression of love and all it’s manifestations- self, others, life itself and environment. Most of the people I know who identify themselves as members of the LGBT community are also some of the most creative, most loving and most open friends ever. I know for a fact we view things differently but for me, it doesn’t make sense that there are still people who look down on them, who feel disgusted and feel weird even when they did nothing wrong. Was it ever wrong to be yourself and to love people with “the same parts”? Does individuality ever come with conditions? Does loving have restrictions?

I had my share of gender identity crisis once upon a time. Growing up in an all-female school, it was impossible not to go through a phase of crushing on someone and hoping you’d start a relationship with them.

Christine, Elleni, Ellen, Ella, Kim, Nikki. Just some of the ladies and lesbians I love(d). I know there’s more but I simply can’t recall them. No, I won’t go into deep, crazy details but it’s safe to say that these crushes helped me grow my heart more, made me love unconditionally, made me feel more free. It is from this experience I’ve grown to be a more loving, more accepting person and that every time I struggle to find the love I seem to want at that time, I emerge as a stronger, loving person.

Love isn’t just between a man and a woman. Love doesn’t have to mean you’re also feeling lust for someone. Love isn’t a privilege. Love is certainly not marriage and love isn’t being with your partner for 923759056 million years.

Love is about connection, affection, care, growth. No one ever set the ground rules for love and loving and yet we condemn those who express it differently.

Going back to gender, it all goes back to loving- yourself (accepting and coming out, for one), others (accepting and respecting, not tolerating) and the environment (kill society’s close minded views with kindness, by showing we’re better than what society dictates). Many members of the LGBT community commit suicide because they feel no love or hope for love because society has been so selfish in showing genuine concern for them. Discrimination, harassment, pure violence is an everyday thing too.

And what’s worse is that, we witness it and sometimes we can’t just fight back because you know nothing will happen. In fact, it’s like trying to pry a steel door open and after you kick it and beat it, nothing really happens except hurting yourself in the process. That’s how arguing with a closed mind is like. They may have their own reasons (and yes, you have to respect that) but it’s a different when they resort to being disrespectful and violent.

Here’s my example- Our company is having our annual Queen of the Night, a gay and transgender pageant, to raise funds for our Red and Black Fund (employee aid). There are some male office mates I talked to that seemed uncomfortable about it. I mean, they’d snicker and make rude remarks like “Why does it have to be a gay pageant? We have many beautiful real women”. I get your point but this month is PRIDE month and the pageant has been one of the biggest fundraisers we have (Filipino gays have a penchant for beauty pageants and it’s really great that they are all very enthusiastic about it). Besides, we’re looking for someone who could show you that the so-called “other” gender you all seem to think, can make a difference too.

I wouldn’t waste my time arguing with those that don’t agree or support this campaign. Instead, I’d focus my time making it happen for all the queens who want to make a mark in this world by doing good, by giving their advocacy a chance to recognized and supported.

You see, love can also save lives. Love can give people chances to discover the good in themselves. Love can transform a community. Love can make one discover their special gifts.

With all that being said, is there a way homophobia could ever go away? Would there be any stop to this hatred society keeps tolerating?

TBC.

Relics in a Black Bag.

I didn’t mean to pry. I’m sorry.

My thumb got super sore tearing and tearing every single reminder of things that people already moved on from. I don’t know why they’re still kept and I don’t understand why we’ve allowed such memories to linger.

The thing is, they’re not mine but I know these things aren’t meant to stay any longer if our only focus is to start anew.

When I first opened Pandora’s Box (how appropriate!), I was puzzled then startled after reading and discovering some revelations I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for. I mean, after all, these are personal letters- it’s not like they’re bulletins or something. The point is, these connections, relationships and secrets are all in the past and everyone involved already moved on.

But I just have to mention that 90% of the letters I tore and discarded came from the same person. In terms of writing and the commitment, the consistency to do it, I cannot hold candle to her. That person is something else. I actually looked that person up to see what happened to her after all these years and was surprised to find zero (edit: I found her!).

In terms of the revelations, it didn’t upset me or anything because from where I came from (guess where), it was something almost everyone experienced. I was just surprised that there’s still bits and pieces of that after 40++ years.

If you’re curious to know what it’s all about, you’ll read about it soon but I’m not going to reference this. Figure it out.

Closure? Yes. After 40++ years, we can completely move on without a trace.

Discoveries.

I am distracted. I cannot work properly nor think properly without tearing up.

There are many things I shouldn’t be emotional about for some reason, I just can’t stop myself from crying after going through lots of letters from the past.

To be continued…

Planning.

It’s my first time to organize a full-blown company wide pageant. I’m so excited and nervous and anxious and dying and crazy and dying and planning and dying.

Mind you, this is our annual gay and transgender pageant. I’m a huge supporter/defender/member (I identify as pan-curious and you’ll hear more about it in the coming days) of the LGBTQIA and it’s such an honor to celebrate diversity, to celebrate the great things we all bring to the table not as a man or woman, but as a human being. For the first time, the pageant’s main focus is ADVOCACY. The pageant, Queen of the Night 2017, will serve as a platform for gay and trans individuals to voice out and show others what they’re truly passionate about and make a difference in the community.

As a humanitarian, it always feels great to be able to reach out to every community this world has to offer.

How come?

Everyday, we come across attractive ads like this:

I mean, who doesn’t want a career with a huge pay, trips, tips and time flexibility? It’s a no-brainer.

Many people ask me why I’m with the same company for the past 6 years and frankly, it wasn’t because of anything I mentioned on the first few paragraphs. Yes, my job has all of that and more but sometimes, benefits aren’t the ones keeping you from going someplace else- It’s the culture, it’s the people you work with and the impact you make on people’s lives.

Take the ad for example. It seems so fun to be a Hooters girl but not everyone can be one. Plus, if you’re not comfortable in a business planted on sex appeal then there’s probably another job for you- and believe me, some of the best jobs aren’t on a pop ad!

My job is almost the same as a Hooters girl- I serve men (and women!), I come up with fun activities and basically take care of the workplace. I like that I don’t have to wear a tank top and have a portion of my breasts out.

Culture is truly a big factor because I met equally dedicated and fun loving people who aspire to make a difference in the world. It’s nice that the company gives importance to the things the employees love. We have clubs that give people an opportunity to show their talents and interests. What’s even better is that we pick our club members to perform in all special events.

Some companies may view their employees like numbers. Well, we are all numbers (as if you’re not a part of this world’s population!). It’s just about how you and your company would put value into what you do. Empowerment is key and we have so much for a seemingly average individual to succeed in the office. I’m a proud product of this company and I’m happy that my contributions are valued the way I value what I do.

Let’s face it, work has its ups and downs but it never really distracted me enough to give into the offers of other companies. I checked JobStreet (job posting site) probably 2x but none of them can match the kind of work I seem to like, that seem to match the values I want to have. See- It’s hard when you’re engaged.

Many Millenials may be fickle about the careers they want but I’m happy that the workplace is millenial friendly. If I’m feeling fickle, there’s probably another job in another department.

With that being said, we are looking for another one like me. 🙂 Apply now!

Vacation.

If you can only see the delight in my eyes upon opening my work laptop…

It’s the first day of work and I’m already begging to leave. I haven’t been out of town with my SO for a long time and we felt that the 48 hours we spent together alone wasn’t enough.

Don’t get me wrong, working is fun. In fact, it would cross my mind one or two times during my precious vacation hours- I’d probably sneak in some email or text too. Some people use it as a motivation to go on more vacations.

With the rate of what and how I’m doing now, I wonder, how many vacations do I deserve?