Rant

Coming to terms.

First week in the new house has been challenging. I haven’t really found a comfortable way home and I’ve been masking all this frustration with double shifts in the office.

Actually, I don’t mind going to 2 shifts in a day. Once I go home, I’m REALLY home and no amount of work can bother me. I’m just making it worth my time.

Going back, this hasn’t been a good week either. I’m in the middle of so many hiccups, it’s good enough to make someone quit. I’m doing my best to not falter nor have it consume me so much. People around me don’t have the same patience as I do so it’s not exactly a good, harmonious place.

People could say I need a rest but it’s not quite restful to have all your problems, all the work that people want you to do to interrupt you while you settle and fall asleep. This is part of adult life, I know, but nothing will progress if we render people restless. Passion can only do so much. You need to be motivated too.

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Pissed.

Once in a while, you just want to put a stop to whatever it is you’re doing in the world.

I’m not usually this ~triggered~ but I just want to say that there are better ways to deal with this without dividing my body equally to everybody that demands for it. These are the times I feel most human, like I’m in the verge of just collapsing and not be of help to anyone, to anything. I have moments when I simply want to truly get away from it all.

It’s these moments I regret knowing many things as it gives people a reason to rely on me and not do anything on their end. Not being arrogant or hateful, I just don’t like it when I have to step in because people don’t know how to do anything around.

This is the very reason I’m struggling to delegate. I don’t exactly trust what people can do sometimes and I’ve had one too many heartbreaks.

Cautious.

It’s been about 4 years. This is probably one of the last times I’d ever mention this. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about it and in the event of any untoward incident, I have proof, I have documents that can completely turn this person’s life around.

Growing up, I had this person take care of me. He was more like a nanny, a caregiver. He’d bring me to school, prepare my food and put my toys away. You’d probably think he’s the big brother I never had. We treated him like family. We let him live in our house for most of his life (til now, actually).

I don’t know when it started, really. I had night shifts and uber/grab wasn’t available then so he’d ride with me in the cab and made sure I make it work in one piece. He started acting weird and was giving me chocolates everyday. I sensed that there was something unusual until one day I just decided to ignore him. One night, on our usual trip to work, he told me what he felt. He was crying and he was guilty. I, on the other hand, was shocked beyond belief. I was scared for myself. I mean, I treated this man like my brother for 20+ years, almost my entire life and he comes ruining everything.

I was so disgusted. I was sick to my stomach. He wrote me a very long letter apologizing and everything but I didn’t respond. I kept it though, as evidence. Who wouldn’t be scared- my parents let him stay in the house as a helper and at any time, he might do things to me. I felt harassed. I felt unsafe living in the house with him. What’s worse is that he’s suicidal and has a violent tendency. I don’t know what has gotten in his head but it was not normal and he had no right to do this to my parents who treated him well all these years.

Until this very day, I’d always be as cautious as I can whenever he’s around. I barely talk to him and I don’t really care for him anymore. The only person who know this situation is my boyfriend and I told him that if anything happens to me, he knows what to do and who to look into.

I haven’t shared this with my parents because one, the person in question might wreak havoc and two, I think, ironically, we’re at peace with this animosity.

 

Impeach

My 15 year old stupid self can make better decisions than majority of the lawmakers we have here.

How disheartening can this get- that we empower the wrong people and make a fuss about what they do? I’m apathetic because this country has left me hopeless and voiceless. I’m just coasting, to be honest. I pay taxes just because I have to, I obey the law just because I’m scared to be treated poorly by authority. It’s sad. It’s dehumanizing.

-G